Cubs Rant. One of many in a perpetual series.

With the start of the 2008 baseball season just a month away, there is one thing that I will not be looking forward to as a Cubs fan (aside from them sucking ass). This year will mark the 100th anniversary since the team last one a World Series title. And I'm sure that this fact will be brought up during every game, every highlight show reporting the results from Cubs games, and the likely production of countless segments from ESPN reiterating the fact, ad nauseum. ESPN loves overkill. They live for it. In addition to the constant reminders from every media outlet, I will most likely receive shit from friends and peers--most of whom are Sox fans, though there are a few Cardinal fans, too. Quite frankly, I welcome the trash-talking. I have already received one such example in the form of this picture:


I won't tell you who this is from, but I will say that I can and do appreciate the gesture.

I'm not going to get too optimistic about the Cubs' chances this year because I have learned (over and over again) that this organization thrives on letting down its fans in the most heart-dropping, ball-squeezing ways imaginable. If you think that my use of hyperbole is not warranted, that it borders on being reckless, then you do not know what it means to be a fan of the worst franchise in the history of organized sports. Ever.

One of the few things that brings me solace is the fact that I have only been a fan for some twenty plus years. There are scores of people who have had to deal with this teams bullshit for 50 years, 60, 70, 80--you get the point. Did I mention that the radio hadn't even been invented prior to the last time the Cubs won the World Series? For all we know, it may have never happened.

So how have the off season and early stages of Spring Training been for the Cubs? Well, the team didn't address its need for quality starting pitching. Bedard and Haren were both moved to new teams, and I'm not sure why the Cubs didn't try to get in on that. Was it too costly (financially and/or in the number of prospects needed to make a deal)? Maybe. But I'm convinced that the Hendry's love affair with having 25 available second basemen had something to do with it. The Cubs did get Fukodome, which rocks; but they were swept by the D-Backs in last years playoffs due to poor or over matched pitching. Hendry did sign Jon Lieber, who will compete with other lame-ducks like Jason Marquis and Ryan Dumpster for a starting pitching position. Yeah, mediocrity!

Mark DeRosa, last years team MVP, was diagnosed with arterial dysrhythmia and had a procedure yesterday to correct the irregular heartbeat. Fantastic. I guess Hendry will pursue Brian Roberts more aggressively to ensure that the second base position is absolutely covered. DeRosa will be back with the team next week and is "expected" (past expectations, when it comes to health, haven't been positive for the Cubs--see Broglio, Wood, Prior, to name a select few) to be back to full-speed workouts by the 7th. Note: Patterson, Theriot, Cedeno, DeRosa, Fontenot, Cintron, Soriano all can and have played second base.

One of the newest members of the Cubs, relief pitcher Jose Ascanio, was punched in the face after someone tried to rob him. No respect. That's what happens when you sign with the Cubs. And Fukodome got hit by a pitch from Noah Lowry in his first plate appearance. Just what the Cubs need. Then some asshole on ESPN said that the Cubs aren't reporting any injuries, "which is a good thing." Thanks, prick. You had to say something to spark an inevitable jinx for the most jinxed team in baseball.

Finally, if you aren't aware the Cubs are owned by the Tribune--a poorly written newspaper whose articles tend to incorporate bias as liberally as an overly opinionated blog. The Tribune Company was purchased by billionaire Sam Zell for an obscene amount of money. He plans on selling the Cubs, but not Wrigley Field. This douche-bag wants to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field because doing so could fetch between $20 and $50 million dollars annually for the next 20 years. The man is in his eighties. Chances are, he doesn't have 20 years left in the tank. Sound heartless on my part? Well, heartlessness loves company.

Douchey McDouche-bag is one greedy son of a douche. So much so that he is willing to pimp out the name of this historic and iconic ballpark. I know some people might say that Wrigley is a corporate name, but it's not the same as PetCo Park, or SafeCo and U.S. Cellular fields. The field was renamed to Wrigley in 1926 to honor the owner, William Wrigley Jr., not the chewing gum company that shared his name. When you go to Wrigley, you're not pegged with quarter-priced packs of Big Red and Juicy Fruit. There is little to no association within the friendly confines that would suggest such a thing. Sam Zell, when you make comments like, "when I bought the Tribune, I didn't get a discount because I wasn't going to use the naming rights that field represents," and, "I won't hesitate to sell Wrigley's naming rights," you expose your greedy, selfish ways for all of Chicago to see. And you will become the most hated man in the city if these plans come to fruition.

Son of a bitch looks like a fucking Billy Goat, too. I think I have an idea as to how this season's going to play out. It doesn't look good.

Please don't think of me some sort of pessimist. I assure you that my cynicism isn't a conscious decision. Years of frustration have warped my sense of hope. Dreams are the illusions of childhood ignorance. It would happen to you, too, if you wasted your time constantly rooting for a dead horse.

My Ideal 2008 Starting Line-Up

CF Curtis Granderson

SS Jimmy Rollins

LF Matt Holliday

1B Derrek Lee

RF Vladimir Guerrero

3B David Wright

C Joe Mauer

2B Brandon Phillips

P Johan Santana

The rest of the pitching rotation

2. Carlos Zambrano

3. Josh Beckett

4. Eric Bedard

5. Brandon Webb

Closer

Jonathan Papelbon

No Yankees allowed on my team.  What would your dream line-up look like for the 2008 season?  I didn't include bullpen (aside from closer) or bench players, but feel free to do so with yours.

Ya Damn Skippy

I got mine.  Now my stash will be mo-bile.  Thank you, Diana, for the tote, and thank you, Clisbee, for the delivery.  Drinks are in order.  

On a side note, I haven't used my camera since my cousin Dave's wedding back in December.  When I loaded the above tote picture onto my computer, I saw the these pics for the first time since that weekend.  These are the only two pictures I took at the wedding:

Yeah, I'm an idiot.

A New Hope

Joe has never seen, nor does he ever want to see, any of the Star Wars movies.  In fact, he told me that he wants his tombstone to read, "I've never seen Star Wars."  Or something to that effect.  His refusal to see the movies increases exponentially when confronted by a Star Wars fan that gets pissed off when they find out he has no desire to ever watch them.  Joe, since you have no intention of watching Star Wars, at least watch and listen to a three-year-old describe the plot.

Meet the Falker

ESPN Bracket Buster Weekend.  SIU will host Nevada at 3:30 p.m. today--a match-up that would have been titanic the last few seasons.  Both teams haven't faired too well this year, but it should still be a good game. 

To Nevada's low post players, beware of Randal Falker.  He might just posterize you.

You've been warned.  Go SIU!

Another effect of global warming?

The venerable Diana Joseph recently posted a blog which shed light on a startling—some might say horrifying—truth that even the casual confectionary aficionado might be otherwise hesitant to divulge. In response to a brilliant suggestion posed by some heroic unknown—a Robin Hood of candy suggestions, really—Ms. Joseph revealed that she is unable to refrain from allowing certain candy, and their components, the time it takes for the bar to reach its full potential. I’m talking about the act of freezing the Twix Java. She writes, “while I can imagine—I can almost know –the chewy pull freezing would grant the caramel, I am also here to tell you, I'll never know it. Because the Twix Java wouldn't last in my freezer long enough to reach a frozen state.” Tragic. What brings a tear to my eye is that the lack of experience with this frozen candy has blinded Ms. Joseph of what it takes to get to that “chewy pull.”

People, you don’t bite into the frozen Twix Java; it won’t let you. You grip it with your teeth, apply a slight amount of upward or downward force to the excess part of the bar with your fingers, and the Twix snaps clean. The cross-section is smooth like a small block of dark, polished shale. The freezing process has little effect on the shortbread cookie. It will still dissolve with saliva or crumble between your teeth and the dollop of hard caramel if you let it. But your teeth will not enter the caramel so easily. There will be resistance. It will be hesitant and say, No. Timeout. I’m not ready, yet.

The caramel will warm and get softer, your teeth will sink and settle, its apprehensions will begin to ease up. You’ll begin to chew, and this is when you’ll experience the frozen pull. The caramel will find comfort in the warmth of your mouth and release its coffee flavor. It will relax. It will stick to your teeth and stretch out like taffy on a pull in a candy shop window. Each remaining bite will have a similar effect. Due to the volume of the caramel, it won’t thaw quickly. You’ll have time to enjoy.

It aims to please.

Unfortunately, Ms. Joseph might never have the chance to experience this treat. She suffers from a condition known as candy consumption haste (CCH). CCH has been known to cause a dislike of white chocolate and cereal dust. In one rare case, a person was said to have given an entire box of Twix Java bars to David Clisbee when he didn’t even ask for them. CCH can do that to you.

If you would like to help Diana Joseph combat CCH, donations can be made to the ISYFTW foundation. With every donation, Diana will come one step closer to achieving the dream of experiencing the Twix Java the way God intended it. Frozen.

Rumor has it that if you act now, you may be eligible to receive an ISYFTW foundation tote with your donation. They can be used to carry around your candy stash—or any kind of stash, for that matter. But know this: the Twix Java is a limited edition candy bar. You may just run out of time.


Jorge's Tote

Oh. My. God.

Do you see what I see? That's Slimer, baby. And he's back in what msn.com is calling one of the most anticipated video games of 2008. Ghostbusters: The Video Game. More like most anticipated game ever (for this guy, at least). The only movie I quote more frequently than Ghostbusters is Wayne's World, so you must know this: I am giddy, more so than when I heard my mom won the lottery. Why, you might ask, is this video game so special? It's not like they're releasing Ghostbusters 3. And if I were in Boston, I'd say, "Stawp right there."

The game script is being written by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis! Oh. My. God. Also, character voices in the game, they'll be done by the original actors themselves. That means Bill Murray as Peter Venkman! (omg)

The clip says that it will be released for most gaming consoles. If the game is not produced for PS2--the system I own--then it looks like I'm going to have to change my tax rebate plans. Economy, prepare to be stimulated. The Ghostbusters are back!

Ray "Huey Lewis" Parker, Jr.

The Game

Old School