I'm pretty sure this isn't sound advice

R.I.P. Billy Mays

1958-2009

Steve Almond

Read why he's okay with being called a slut here.

Summer Writing Playlist

Track 9:

Language Rant: read at your own risk

I worked with this woman at WaMu who swore like a character in a Kevin Smith movie. Fuck this, cunt that, shitty shitty bang bang. Anna was all about expressing her feelings in a clear, direct manner. There was plenty to be frustrated, upset, and angry about where we worked. So-called "vulgar" language helped air those feelings in a nonviolent manner. I felt comfortable swearing because I knew she wouldn't mind. At the time, I was a Loan Coordinator for the Home Equity Lending division of Washington Mutual. Which means I was a middleman between the Loan Originator (Mortgage Salesman) and the Underwriter (Loan Decision Maker). And being the middleman, the blame was directed my way nine times out of ten.

One time I was working weekend overtime to help wipe out the overflow of volume in our queue. I got a loan where the Originator fudged the numbers on the application so badly I had to collect the borrowers' corporate tax returns from the past two years and figure out how much they were actually making. It took me six hours to organize and calculate everything in order to process the loan, killing my production on a day meant to catch up. Toward the end of this overtime shift, the Originator (also working on the weekend) called me and demanded to know why I hadn't gotten this loan approved yet. I got defensive and raised my voice, "explaining" how badly they had messed up, which caused the delay in decisioning the loan. (This incident would later result in my involuntary enrollment in Customer Service Sensitivity Training.) After I hung up, I buried my face in my hands, and Anna appeared over the wall of my cubicle. I looked up, and in a defeated tone, I said, "Goddammit."

She immediately winced, as if I slammed a baby's head against my desk. She waved her hands in front of her face and said, "Please don't say that. I just can't handle those words." I had just spent six hours fixing someone else's mistake and then got yelled at by the perpetrator of that mistake because it was taking so long to remedy the problem. Now I get chastised by the foul-mouth queen for expressing my displeasure? I wanted to tell Anna she was being ridiculous. I wanted to use every curse word in the book to do it, too. Then I wanted to make up new swears that were so vile, she'd beg me to use Goddammit exclusively in the future. Instead I shook my head, packed up, and left for what remained of the weekend.

I know that words have destructive power. And in the case of Goddammit, I understand the religious implications and how people of faith might cringe when I take the Lord's name in vain. But they are just words. Words made up by humans. (Sorry, Believers. But if you try to sell me on the idea that God invented language, I'm going play the skeptical card.) What if I don't believe in God and I take his name in vain? If you hear me say it, how does it effect you? I don't ever remember seeing the Commandment, Thou shalt not hear a curse word. Nor can I locate the Bible verse about hearing a curse word casts you into the depths of Hell. My point is this: people need to lighten up when it comes to cursing. When I went to Toronto on a church Serve Project, the Canadians (kids and adults) used the word shit almost as often as they used definite articles. When someone used the word crap, the Canadians went crazy. They consider crap a swear, but not shit. On the BBC, they say fuck and cunt without batting an eye. Here, that would cost a network $500K. I'm not saying we should teach swears or encourage their use. But people do use this language, and sometimes it's included in art in order to mimic reality.

Case in point: some overprotective parents in Antioch, IL tried to get Sherman Alexie's award winning book, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, banned at the high school due to its use of foul language. I don't know if this in an attempt to shelter their kids, or what, but have these parents never been to a public high school? Do they not know how excessively kids swear in these places? This book isn't teaching kids anything new in terms of swearing. I can guarantee it. One woman stated that she's not trying to censor the book; however, she blacked out parts of her son's copy because she didn't want him reading it. Isn't that censorship?

I really think you should read the article (linked in the previous paragraph). The chairman of the English Department, John Whitehurst, makes a much better (and more concise) argument. For instance, that same woman makes a logical fallacy when she says "if [profanity] is part of the curriculum, the students will believe the school condones [swearing]." To which Whitehurst replies, "That is like saying because Romeo and Juliet committed teen suicide, we condone teen suicide."

We apply additional meaning to certain words through tone and context, giving them power to hurt, anger, tear down, etc. When used appropriately, yes, a curse word can hurt. When used frivolously, it's puking up nonsense. But I think kids are smart enough to know the difference. I don't think that foul language is to blame from the dumbing down of our society. When people say I sound less educated when I swear, it sounds like an excuse for their own social hang-ups. Plus, I can string together several non-offensive words to make a statement much more offensive than a swear. What's more offensive: "Fuck you," or "Get on your knees, and I'll give you something to choke on"? None of the words in the second phrase are offensive when looked at individually; however, the phrase can be seen as offensive, demeaning, emasculating, among others. Are some words more powerful alone than when used in a sentence?

In light of President Obama's Tonight Show faux pas, the Special Olympics vowed to gain pledges and set a day of awareness for people to stop using the word retard. You can read about it here. The ad campaign they ran included a poster with a list of racially offensive words with the vowels removed, followed by the word retard and the caption, "Therein lies the problem." Their point is that since this word is just as hateful as the other ones, why isn't it as taboo to use it. In the same context, Hillary Duff stars in a commercial pertaining to the use of the word gay. In it two girls are trying on clothes and one comments on the other by calling the outfit gay. Duff says you shouldn't say gay when you mean bad.

In both of these campaigns, I believe the message is good. Think before you speak, chose your words carefully, don't apply one word to another word's meaning--I'm on board. However, I don't think any words should be banned. Ever. Especially words that have multiple meanings, like the two examples in the last paragraph. Banning words doesn't solve the problem of hate, nor does it address it directly. If we all stopped saying the word gay in the context expressed in Duff's commercial, would homophobia disappear? If we stopped using the word retard, would people stop making fun of special needs kids? I don't think so in either case. One reason: words aren't the source of the problem, they're just the labels, the identifiers. Another reason: there are other words used to identify mentally challenged and homosexual people that are offensive. Do we ban all of them?

I want to make sure all ten of you (if you've read this far) realize that I'm not saying we should teach children to swear or condone the use of hateful speech. But the out of sight, out of mind approach doesn't solve anything. It just sweeps it under the rug. There should be dialogue about the use of "foul" language. A dialogue used to identify the problems. Those campaigns mentioned above are a fantastic start; however, they fall apart in the practice (banning words). We shouldn't be afraid to let high schools read books that contain these offensive words. If those words are in there, maybe the writer intended to spark a certain emotion with their use.

I guess I wrote about this because I get fired up about language. It feels sometimes like it's used as a scapegoat, the way movies and video games are blamed for violence. My argument has been long-winded and likely could have been thought out better. There's probably some generalizations in here, I got on a rant, and for these things I apologize. But I'd like to know what other people think about banning books and words. (I think Bryan Johnson may have posed this question, or something like it, in the past. I'm not trying to steal your thunder Bryan.) My hope is to get a dialogue going. Please chime in.

Boob Tube

Have you ever seen this show, "So You Think You Can Dance"? Basically, it's the dance version of "American Idol." There's a judge named Mary Murphy--I think she's supposed to be the Paula Abdul of the show--and quite frankly, I think she may be one cheer away from a complete breakthrough. Take a look at her:

This is her facial expression at all times. Even when someone flubs an arabesque, tumbles forward, and does a face plant into the cold wooden stage. It doesn't stop her from flashing that smile and telling the dancer how amazing his or her routine was. She has this habit of cheering so loudly it makes me wonder if she's convinced that this is her show. During these moments of extreme jubilation, her voice sounds like a cross between one of those beauty pageant mothers and a drunk freshmen after her first night at the bar. "Woooo! My daughter's accomplishments prove I wasn't an ugly kid. And I love tequila, Yeah! Woooo!" [sob, honk, sob]

My point: there's no way this woman can be this enthusiastic. If you've seen the show, you know what I'm talking about. It looks like a front for some deep-seeded emotional problem. Or maybe she's just trying to play that Paula Abdul role, and she's just a horrible actress.

No, that doesn't sound right.

At one point in this competition, someone's going to nail a dance routine, triggering one or several repressed memories--maybe the one when she was six, and her mom insisted she would never be a ballerina. When that moment happens--when those memories surface, and she's able to articulate them live on TV: "I was a damn good dancer, Mom! Take that"--I'll be glad I tuned in.

Until then: yeah, they got some pretty good dancers on the show.

They make a good point

by Anal Cunt