People, you don’t bite into the frozen Twix Java; it won’t let you. You grip it with your teeth, apply a slight amount of upward or downward force to the excess part of the bar with your fingers, and the Twix snaps clean. The cross-section is smooth like a small block of dark, polished shale. The freezing process has little effect on the shortbread cookie. It will still dissolve with saliva or crumble between your teeth and the dollop of hard caramel if you let it. But your teeth will not enter the caramel so easily. There will be resistance. It will be hesitant and say, No. Timeout. I’m not ready, yet.
The caramel will warm and get softer, your teeth will sink and settle, its apprehensions will begin to ease up. You’ll begin to chew, and this is when you’ll experience the frozen pull. The caramel will find comfort in the warmth of your mouth and release its coffee flavor. It will relax. It will stick to your teeth and stretch out like taffy on a pull in a candy shop window. Each remaining bite will have a similar effect. Due to the volume of the caramel, it won’t thaw quickly. You’ll have time to enjoy.
It aims to please.
Unfortunately, Ms. Joseph might never have the chance to experience this treat. She suffers from a condition known as candy consumption haste (CCH). CCH has been known to cause a dislike of white chocolate and cereal dust. In one rare case, a person was said to have given an entire box of Twix Java bars to David Clisbee when he didn’t even ask for them. CCH can do that to you.
If you would like to help Diana Joseph combat CCH, donations can be made to the ISYFTW foundation. With every donation, Diana will come one step closer to achieving the dream of experiencing the Twix Java the way God intended it. Frozen.
Rumor has it that if you act now, you may be eligible to receive an ISYFTW foundation tote with your donation. They can be used to carry around your candy stash—or any kind of stash, for that matter. But know this: the Twix Java is a limited edition candy bar. You may just run out of time.