Monday, March 23, 2009

Daily Musing


You don't think it's weird to wear jeans that have a hole in the crotch.  And why should you?  Women wear skirts all the time.  Which is just a pair of shorts with a huge hole in the crotch.

Note: When putting on that pair of jeans, make sure you're already wearing chonies.  

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

#31


In honor of Jenkins and Maddux, Cubs retire the jersey.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Semi-Naked Golf


I can't decide whether this is an example of dedication, or if Henrik Stenson doesn't have confidence in the stain lifting ability of All.  

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Fuck you, Willis


I don't like your name, and I don't like your face.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Daily Musing


When it gets to the point where you're ranting about things you like, it may be time to sit back, relax and take a breather.  

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Daily Musing


Diet Caffeine (super weird looking word) Free Cola: 

It's like going to battle armed with mittens and a horrible case of denial.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Daily Musing


"I've" looks like a ridiculous word(s?).

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Daily Musing


You dine at the local Olive Garden and order this month's special: Four Cheese Stuffed Mezzaluna with Sausage.  They're moon-shaped ravioli and in addition to the four cheeses inside, the mezzaluna are smothered in a creamy tomato alfredo sauce.  A layer of melted mozzarella covers this dish.  

When the server sets down your plate, she asks if you would like fresh grated romano sprinkled over the food.  You say yes.  She tells you to say when.  She nearly gets a workout, cranking the cheese grater, before you say when.  Your plate is a mountain of seven cheeses.  

This fact escapes you at the restaurant: you're lactose intolerant.  When you realize this, however, you're already back home.  The safety net of a close bathroom aides you from having an accident.  And since you made it home this time, you have not learned your lesson.  There's nothing to stop you from doing something similar the next weekend.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Daily Musing


Pop can neglect/Nightstand follies

When setting a can of Coke on your nightstand, remember that that's where your space heater sits.  And that it's still running.  Because the next time you take a swig, you'll likely get a mouthful of hot pop.  And that can be pretty shocking.

*

So you've remembered to turn off your space heater, and you even placed a coaster on the nightstand before setting down the pop can.  But you forgot about your beverage.  You went on the internet to find out why your loan payments haven't been applied to your online account.  You called the lender for an answer and when you got it, you were satisfied.  You fell back into your bed, stretching your arms and smacking the pop can into the wall.  Not cool.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Daily Musing


When approaching your car in the school parking lot, you notice slabs of black ice packed into the wheel wells.  If you decide to leave them there, the tires will surely rub against the ice slabs.  This could prevent the tires from turning as far as they need to; and who knows, you might have to pull a U-ie in order to evade the cops.  Your tags are expired, and quite frankly, you don't even like the cut of your jib.  

Or the slabs could break off when you speed up to run that yellow at the corner of Broad and Cherry.  You know if that were the case, Girl Scouts would be prancing on the sidewalk, trying to sell their economically downsized cookies.  And when your back tires would run over the slabs, they'd kick up the fallen ice, which would then smack the little girls in the backs of their heads.  Then where would you be?

You'd be banned from directly purchasing Thin Mints, that's for sure.  And you can't live like that.  So you decide to kick off the ice before starting your car.  But it's packed solid.  You drive your heel into the ice until both are about to give.  One last blow.  The ice falls and slides under the car.  Time to go home; one less worry on your mind.

When you press the unlock button on your keyless remote, nothing happens.  Did the remote get wet?  Was it the snow?  You press it again.  The car remains locked.  That's when you notice women's sunglasses on the front seat.  And you remember you're not a woman.  And this isn't the orange lot where you parked your car.  It's the brown lot.  Only one thing to do from here.  Say, "Oh, I must have forgot it back in my office," as if anyone (save for the owner of this car) would care.  As if you know what the "it" is.  Then you return to school and wait in the men's bathroom.  After a reasonable and completely arbitrary amount of time, you go to your car in the orange lot and drive home.

Cavett, Cheever, Updike


Click here. The link will take you to Dick Cavett's blog, which has a video of the complete show.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Daily Musing


U2 blows.  Seriously, they're just awful.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Daily Musing


After you've completed comprehensive exams, you feel a little less guilty about watching reruns of "Seinfeld"--the episodes you've seen hundreds of times, yet for some reason, can't afford to miss.