Thursday, May 15, 2008

Things that stink

Have you ever driven long distance with a mean old wedgie stuffed up your crack?  If so, ever rip ass and feel something get jarred loose, the result being one of two possibilities?  1. You just shit yourself.  2. The wad of underpants was crammed so far up there, the force of breaking wind so great, that the sport of competitive power farting no longer seems like a dream.

After a thorough inspection of my boxers at the BP in La Crosse, I'm happy to report that the end result of my adventure mirrored the second possibility.  My underpants were free of any actual number two.  The dream is still alive!

Quick sports rant: Cubs signed Jim Edmonds.  I'm against this move, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Edmonds used to be a Cardinal.  The Gold Glover's old and can't run down deep drives to alleys, and he was hitting .178 when the Pads released him.  Pie was only hitting .222, but that's still almost 50 points higher than Edmonds.  Plus, Pie's stellar defense makes up for any struggles at the plate.  He robbed Griffey Jr. of career home run 598 just last week.  Edmonds is too old to do that.  All of those years sacrificing his body for the highlight reel (and to help his team, I guess) have finally caught up with him.

Celebrity news: CNN reported that Jessica Simpson dumped Tony "I can't handle the long snap" Romo.  The network cited the Dallas Morning News article.  Funny that this happened days after Butterfingers botched the seventh inning stretch.  Nick Lachey and Tony Romo have proved this to be true: In order to have a fighting chance with Jessica Simpson, you can't be tone deaf.  


The Mighty Flynn said...

1. Jim Edmunds is on Team Douche Bag 2008.

2. I watched Romo "sing" and decline to discuss Ms. Simpson on WGN last week. For his efforts, he has been named batboy for Team DOuche Bag 2008.

3. Regarding the intro to your post: TMI, DeWolf, TMI.

Jorge said...

That was the most fantastic opening of a blog post. EVER. I was walking down the hall to my apartment earlier and thought of it. I started laughing hysterically. The neighbors stared.

Bryan said...

Who else is on Team Douchebag, Tom? Because going Cub, like Edmonds did, yeah, he deserves it. He'll still get his money from StL & SD for his contract, so either he wants the extra couple hundred grand for, I don't know, blond highlights, or he's just a douche, nozzle & all. I read a while back he was looking forward to sticking it to the Cardinals too.

DeWolf said...

Edmonds did say he wanted to stick it to the Red Birds. He also told his agent to refrain from talking to any other team because he wanted to play at Wrigley.

I would like to know the complete Team Douchebag, as well. I'm guessing Tom's got Punto on that lineup.

The Mighty Flynn said...

I will post the roster of team Douche Bag on my blog soon. But you should know that the idea of a Team Douche Bag was Luke's. Last summer, when I arrived in Mankato, Luke found out I was a baseball fan and told me he compiles a Team Douche--all players he thinks are douches, whether they're talented or not. He would often ask if I could think of any worthy candidates.