Cub had grapes on sale--red ones the size of ping-pong balls. I gave them the squeeze test. They were firm; I was sold. When I got home, I washed a handful of them. Which amounted to about three grapes, since they were huge and my hands are not. I couldn't wait to demolish them. You know when get one of those plumpers that keeps its shape after you bite into it? That's what I was anticipating.
Instead, I felt a shocking crunch. Turns out these were not seedless grapes. I've never had grapes with seeds in them. I thought they went the way of the slap bracelet or the jelly shoe. Apparently not. The problem with seeded grapes is there can be up to five seeds (from what I've gathered, so far) per grape. One or two seeds will be huge, the rest will be like shards of shrapnel. They're unavoidable. You can't nibble your way around them, and you end up wasting most of the grape meat trying to spit them out.
My question: how do you eat these fucking things?
If this were a daily musing, I'd probably say something to this effect: "Make sure you read the signs in the produce section when purchasing fruit. You may end up with seeded grapes, which get caught in your teeth and stick in your craw."
5 comments:
So it's basically like, "You can buy these grapes. But you can't eat them." This is a problem I encountered frequently during my childhood, and I always wondered, "Why are you trying to feed these to people? [grape seller...]"
I know how to eat these fucking things:
1) Bite specimen in half, so that seeds are roughly half-exposed.
2) Carefully grip one seed between teeth (do not crush!) and extract.
3) Spit individual seeds into an approved containment receptacle.
4) Repeat until all seeds have been extracted.
5) Consume remaining grape meat.
Tedious, yes. Time-consuming, yes. But Globe Grapes are generally quite firm and large. They are worth the effort.
What is your craw?
Dan's craw is dirty, I'm sure.
Christ, DeWolf, it's always something with you!
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