I'm on drugs! (I wish...)

My back has been acting up since late November. When it's bad, it locks up and sends a jolt of electricity down my left leg. I can tell my spine's out of alignment when the pain gets this bad. If I had health insurance, or extra cash, I'd go to the chiropractor. There's one a block from my apartment. Since I have neither of these things, I take aspirin and perform a variety of exercises that I'd never do in public. Like pelvic thrusts. Nothing says pathetic like an out-of-shape twenty-eight year-old, humping the air and wheezing. And since I gots no rhythm or stamina, anyone unfortunate enough to see me do this would hurl quicker than if they had chugged a bottle of Ipecac. My moves are that fucking sexy.

Recently, though, my back pain has felt less spinal and more muscular. I think it has been directly related to the amount of stress and anxiety I've been carrying. Lots of shit to get done this semester. Lots of shit happening outside of school, too. This is where the aspirin has really come through. Bayer Back & Body, I love you. The pain dissolves within ten minutes of popping a couple of these bad boys. The reason: caffeine. That, and each pill has 500mg of aspirin in it. Money's tight, though, so I recently had to settle for HyVee brand aspirin. The differences are very apparent.

The HyVee brand has no added ingredients, which means no caffeine. I'm in pain in now, pills. How about you start working ten fucking minutes ago. Oh, and when it does kick in, it's nothing to cheer about. As pain-free as the old swab test. But the most ridiculous thing about HyVee aspirin? When you peel back the label to check for dosages, and active ingredients, there's a warning that says, "Do not take if you are allergic to aspirin." This is the generic shit, so the front label says ASPIRIN in bold, black letters. I could understand if it were a brand and the active drug wasn't easily identifiable by the name. But who needs a warning label to tell them not to take aspirin if they're allergic when the brand name is HyVee Aspirin? And under the peel-off label? Fuck you, HyVee. If I can't peel that shit off in the store, how will I be warned not to take something I'm allergic to?

I miss the Vicodin. Ran out of those little gems soon after my lower back started barking at me. They also helped me relax and fall asleep. Which surprised me because the last time I had them I felt like I was building up a tolerance for them. They don't compare to Demerol, though. Have you ever tried Demerol. Holy welcomed addiction, Batman. I could see myself getting hooked on this shit if I had health insurance. The last time I took it, my body melted into the floor like I was the T-1000 from Terminator 2.

It completely calms you down and sends you drifting into a worry-free parallel dimension. My favorite thing to do is fight the urge to sleep, since this stuff will put you down within twenty minutes of taking it. You almost feel the Demerol kick into another gear, ensuring that it knocks you out. The minute I get a real job--one that either provides health insurance, or pays well enough so I can go out and purchase it--I'm going to start getting reckless. Running on ice, jumping off the roof of my apartment, walking blindfolded into traffic: I'll do it all with the hope that I get seriously injured, resulting in a big fat script for the big D.

I know what you're thinking: why don't you just buy it illegally? Shouldn't be that hard to find. Brad from across the street probably has a pretty healthy stash. But I say no to that. I play by the rules. Plus, it's more expensive to buy it from a dealer, and you know how much of a cheap prick I am. Brad would probably give it to me for a few comic books, but then I'd have to help him act out a scene from the Dark Knight.

He'd bind my ankles and hoist me up the VFW's flagpole. I'd dangle upside-down, and he'd yell for me to laugh maniacally like I was the Joker. Then, he'd spit out a line in his best Batman voice, jump for joy--in the process, letting go of the rope--and then I'd fall, land on my head, and break my neck. If I were to survive, yes, I'd get my Demerol. But at what cost? Brad would make an extreme effort to hang out, which means he'd probably let his pet raccoons crawl all over me. And if I'm paralyzed, there would be nothing I could do about that. No, dammit. There's an order of operations to follow, here. First get health insurance. Then get injured. THEN get the big D.