Burger heaven, or burger hell?

This new sandwich from Burger King—the Indy Double Whopper—stacks lettuce, onion, tomato, crispy bacon, and pepper jack cheese atop two flame-broiled patties, a pound of regret, heaping dollops of overactive sweat glands, and shortness of breath for the next two days.  Blackened Cajun mayo slathered on a sesame seed bun slows blood flow as the sensation of constricting arteries and shooting pains in the left arm can be felt upon consumption.  Yes, there’s a little more bounce on my belly now that I’ve eaten this unholy creation of death.  My chest got a bit boobier, too.  I say to you, Indy Double Whopper:  Hello.  I believe our friendship may only last for a limited time, so let’s make the best of it.  See you tomorrow.