Them's terrorists in our coffee!

Jesus fucking Jones.  What is this?  Dunkin' Donuts pulls an iced coffee ad because of this quibbling blog post?  Silly.  Maybe I'm just bitter because I don't have the power to get ads pulled.  One day.  One day.  I read some of the comments left on the blog post.  One of them contained a link to this site.  Hilarious.  The "Stuff White People Like" blog is always good for a chuckle.  Post #101 connects with Malkin's hypersensitive interpretation of the DD commercial, too.  

Burger heaven, or burger hell?

This new sandwich from Burger King—the Indy Double Whopper—stacks lettuce, onion, tomato, crispy bacon, and pepper jack cheese atop two flame-broiled patties, a pound of regret, heaping dollops of overactive sweat glands, and shortness of breath for the next two days.  Blackened Cajun mayo slathered on a sesame seed bun slows blood flow as the sensation of constricting arteries and shooting pains in the left arm can be felt upon consumption.  Yes, there’s a little more bounce on my belly now that I’ve eaten this unholy creation of death.  My chest got a bit boobier, too.  I say to you, Indy Double Whopper:  Hello.  I believe our friendship may only last for a limited time, so let’s make the best of it.  See you tomorrow.

Improbable

Sporting News announced today that Blackhawks' RW, Patrick Kane, won Rookie of the Year.  He was the number one overall draft pick a year ago for the Chicago hockey team.  The Hawks beat the odds in the draft lottery (they had less than a 9% chance of getting the top spot) and selected the eighteen-year-old with their pick.  Tonight, the Chicago Bulls beat the odds and secured the number one spot in the NBA draft lottery.  The team's chances that they'd get the number one pick was a meager 1.7%.  After discussing this with Hartigan, the only possible conclusion we could come up with was that someone fixed the lottery.  Why would we say there was a fix?  Two reasons: 1. Derrick Rose (a desperately needed PG and Chicago native) will most likely be the number one pick, and 2. Basketball is now the most corrupt professional sport.  Regardless, I'm pumped for next season.  Rose kicks ass and Chuck Swirsky (the inspiration for Bill Swerski's Superfans) will be calling radio games.  Bulls.

Things that stink

Have you ever driven long distance with a mean old wedgie stuffed up your crack?  If so, ever rip ass and feel something get jarred loose, the result being one of two possibilities?  1. You just shit yourself.  2. The wad of underpants was crammed so far up there, the force of breaking wind so great, that the sport of competitive power farting no longer seems like a dream.

After a thorough inspection of my boxers at the BP in La Crosse, I'm happy to report that the end result of my adventure mirrored the second possibility.  My underpants were free of any actual number two.  The dream is still alive!

Quick sports rant: Cubs signed Jim Edmonds.  I'm against this move, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Edmonds used to be a Cardinal.  The Gold Glover's old and can't run down deep drives to alleys, and he was hitting .178 when the Pads released him.  Pie was only hitting .222, but that's still almost 50 points higher than Edmonds.  Plus, Pie's stellar defense makes up for any struggles at the plate.  He robbed Griffey Jr. of career home run 598 just last week.  Edmonds is too old to do that.  All of those years sacrificing his body for the highlight reel (and to help his team, I guess) have finally caught up with him.

Celebrity news: CNN reported that Jessica Simpson dumped Tony "I can't handle the long snap" Romo.  The network cited the Dallas Morning News article.  Funny that this happened days after Butterfingers botched the seventh inning stretch.  Nick Lachey and Tony Romo have proved this to be true: In order to have a fighting chance with Jessica Simpson, you can't be tone deaf.  

Brewfest June 20th and 21st

Anyone down for this?  I heard last year's Brewfest was enjoyable.  I'd like to share in that enjoyment.  These bands rock, and they'll be there:

Marshall Tucker Band

Canned Heat



Joy

Chopin's Nocturne in E Flat Major performed by Claudio Arrau

Excuse my use of hyperbole, but you can't convince me otherwise: this is the most beautiful piece of music ever composed.

And dude's got a wicked 'stache.

Teamwork

National Geographic is doing a special about this YouTube video on Sunday.  If you have the time to watch all 8-plus minutes of the clip, I suggest that you do.  It's pretty fucking spectacular.  The never-say-die attitude of the water buffalo herd blows my mind.  Had someone wrote about this without having the video, it would cause most readers to roll their eyes and huff in disbelief.  

Nature's hardcore.