Canned Wood

At the Canned Heat concert last Saturday, I witnessed many people dancing—namely, a crowd of baby boomers and David Clisbee.  Clisbee had a handle on his situation.  He rocked out in the front row, holding on to the metal barrier for dear life while storms of sixty-year-old arms and legs—enveloped in a cloud of dust and swarming dragonflies—swung and flailed around him.  These baby boomers, bitten by the dancing bug, moved with the grace and malleability of petrified wood.  It was quite a site, one I’d use as proof that there’s an over supply of Viagra and Cialis to this specific demographic.  Is it that E.D. pills help old guys get hard, or does it keep them hard long enough to give them the impression that the sex was worth their time?  I ask because new reports suggest baseball players use dick pills to gain a competitive edge.  They’re reported to increase an athlete’s stamina.  Imagine playing shortstop in the majors: you’re trying to turn a 4-6-3 double play when you notice the base runner barreling down on you with a Texas-sized boner.  Sure gives new meaning to the phrase sliding in, spikes up.  Whatever the reasoning may be, the dance moves I saw executed last weekend made me think that getting it up would be difficult for these men.  This is not to say that the baby boomer women were unattractive; I was too distracted by the spastic shoulder bobs and rhythmically inept hip twists to notice looks.  I’m not sure why the Baptist church was so afraid dancing would lead to sex during the baby boomers’ teenage years.  There was nothing sexy about what happened at Canned Heat.  Nothing.

Derrick Rose!

The newest member of Da Bulls!

Baseball's Sad Lexicon

by Franklin Pierce Adams

These are the saddest of possible words:
"Tinker to Evers to Chance."
Trio of bear cubs, and fleeter than birds,
Tinker and Evers and Chance.
Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble,
Making a Giant hit into a double-
Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble:
"Tinker to Evers to Chance."

I've read this article three times now.

More background on the poem here.

I don't know that Theriot to DeRosa to Lee has the same ring to it.  Let's hope they can get the same results as the Tinker to Evers to Chance team of 1908.

The Savages

I rented this movie last week.  It's not that I didn't like it, but my expectations weren't fulfilled.  Did I think the movie would be some sort of continuation to The Wonder Years or Boy Meets World television series? Yes.  Family Guy, Futurama, and Sex and the City have released feature-length motion pictures/DVDs.  It seems like all the rage right now.  Perhaps I thought it would be a documentary on the lives of Fred and Ben Savage?  Absolutely.  Where are those crazy fuckers now?  I'd like to know.  Did I bother to check the back of the DVD case before renting? No, I did not.  

The real life Savage boys were nowhere to be found in this movie.  I thought that at the very least they would make a cameo.  Did I watch the movie a second time to double check that they weren't extras or that one of the brother's cardboard standees wasn't being used as set decoration?  I'm just not willing to say at this point.  I guess I'm just bummed that the video store doesn't carry the The Wonder Years series.  It's a damn shame.

Great

Blackhawks took Kyle "the punching bag" Beach in the first round of this year's NHL draft.  Take a look at this video of Beach taking a shot to the face.  Kid's got a glass jaw.  And a history of injures comparable to Martin Havlat.  So in addition to being a non-factor in the enforcer role, he'll contribute to the Hawks' medical costs more so than the team's scoring output.  Prove me wrong, Beach.  Prove me wrong.

BAM

Junot Diaz on The Colbert Report

Pat Foley!

Thank you, John McDonough, for catering to the fans.  Welcome back, Pat Foley.  Can't wait to hear you call some Hawks' games on WGN next season.  

Hawks.

Burple and Balzacs

Remember Burple?  It was Kool-Aid with a workout.  The makers of this product failed to realize that soft drinks such as Kool-Aid and Burple and Wyler's contain enough sugar to induce strokes in children.  Kids don't want to be required to work for their juice.  Squeezing together that accordion Tupperware thing means trouble.  Way to suck, Burple.

Jarts: the most dangerous game ever.  

Yes.  

I've had my close calls.  You know you have, too.  

Ba-Ba-Ba-Balzac!  Take that, stuffed animals. 

This video blows my mind. I'm on the cusp of a freak-out.

"I like books.  They're good for when you're on the john."

-Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Hurts so good

A derelict is recognized...

Goodyear Escape Plan

That's right, the little shit hangs from the aquarium cover.  At night, I hear popping noises coming from the other room where I keep his tank.  It's Goodyear, jumping and banging his head on the underside of the aquarium cover.  Eventually he does a midair backflip (I've seen it) and latches on the screen.  Sometimes he climbs up his water bottle to reach the steel mesh.  I think he wants to explore the rest of my apartment.  When I catch him upside-down, he lets go of the cover and buries himself in the cage bedding or hides behind the tissue box like a suspect at a crime scene.

Sports briefs

MLB draft started today.  It's hard to get excited about this because, unlike football and basketball, high school and college baseball get little to no media exposure.  Most of us have never heard of these kids.  In addition, baseball players never go directly from draft to big leagues--they don't have that immediate impact draftees from football, basketball, and hockey often do.  It can take two to five years to see if these players even make it to the show. Anyways, the Cubs picked Andrew Cashner (RHP-TCU) with the 19th overall pick this year. This closer has a fastball that touches 97 and a wicked slider.  Hope to see him in blue pinstripes soon.

Blackhawks: After the Sabres-Penguins successful outdoor match this past winter, speculation as to the location of the next outdoor hockey game circulated around the major market cities.  Most notably, Chicago's Wrigley Field and New York's Yankee Stadium were tossed around as possible venues to host the game.  I had heard that Yankee Stadium won the bid, but Mumby sent me a text saying that Wrigley won the bid.  Not only that, but it'll be a Hawks-Red Wings match-up.  The Sun Times reported that an announcement will be made soon.  The same article also states that once the Wolves win the Calder Cup, the announcement will be made of Pat Foley's return to calling Hawks' games.

Oh yeah.  Fuck you , Detroit.  I hope you choke on Lord Stanley.

Maddux:  My hope for the Cubs-Padres game last night was that the Cubs would win and Maddux wouldn't figure into the decision.  Mad Dog didn't factor into the decision and the Cubs lost.  In the appropriate words of Ron Burgundy, "Go fuck yourself, San Diego."  Way to blow a fantastic performance by the Professor and still beat the Cubs.  

Chicago has to go after Maddux before the trade deadline.  They need another pitcher that has World Series experience (the only Cubs' pitcher who can claim that honor is Jason Marquis, and he was left off the Cards' `06 post-season roster), and the Cubs can finally provide the run support Maddux needs.  Marquis and Lilly are both at .500 (winning percentage) and have ERA's over 5.  Check out the Professor's line from his no decision last night.  69 pitches in 7 innings.  That's efficiency.

And Hartigan just informed me that today is Bob Probert's birthday.  

Happy birthday, you scrappy bastard.  Even though you played for the Red Wings, you were a Blackhawk and a tough son of a bitch.

In case you missed it

David Sedaris appeared on The Daily Show yesterday.  Here's the video.